Dear 11 year old Helena..

Dear baba me,

I miss you. I miss being you a lot right now. Sometimes when I look at my nieces I can see myself in them but I’m so proud of where they are. They’re a lot stronger than we were, I think. Not that you didn’t try your best, cause I know you did. But I know how easy it was for you to get upset. I remember when you looked at secondary school options and learnt that you had to learn about life and death in RE and you cried because it scared you. I remember when you used to offer to help the teacher with paperwork at lunchtimes in primary school, because you were too nervous to go outside. I remember when your sister told you she was pregnant with Ellie and you cried because you knew you weren’t the baby anymore. Can you believe that? Imagine telling Ellie that in a few years. She’ll find it hilarious.

Do you remember that last holiday in Clacton before you started high school and you were walking down a road from the beach holding dads hand and telling him how you were scared you wouldn’t make friends at high school? And he told you you’d be fine. Mum and dad had so much hope for you I think. I wish you had spent more time with them instead of hiding behind the computer or in your room. Mum used to think you were going to become a writer but you didn’t quite go for that option. I hope we didn’t upset her. I’m finally deciding I want to do something in English now and writing and I’m going to try and get in a big university and study it. Does that sound cool? Or scary?

Do the kids at school still make you cry and want to stay at home? I wish I could cuddle you and tell you it’ll be ok. A lot of people will make you cry as you get older. I wish I knew how to have prepared you, but even now I don’t. They really don’t matter though. Nothing is wrong with you and you are an absolute beauty. You know your gorgeous, curly locks? I cut them recently and I regret it. Hold onto those locks for as long as possible, they were lovely on you. Also if anyone says you’re fat or pudgy, ignore it. I envy the size you’re at because you were tiny and healthy. I don’t know why the other kids made you believe something was wrong with you. It’s something that stays with you for years sweet, believe me. 

Little one, I wish I could go back and make things right for us. We got kind of screwed over a lot and it isn’t fair. You deserved better and you deserve better than how I’m treating us now. I’ll try and be better for you and try and look after myself. 

Goodnight x

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